My heart is broken
by likethephoenixfromtheashes
Summary: Two women, two broken hearts. what happened and will they find their way back together? SQ/AU/no curse
1. Chapter 1

_Title: My heart is broken_

_Pairing: Regina Mills/Emma Swan_

_Spoiler: none; except it is an AU story…and it's SQ_

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_Disclaimer: This is a fanfiction - I don't own "Once Upon A Time" or any of the characters. _

_"Once upon a time" and all its content belongs to Edward Kitsis, Adam Horowitz and ABC._

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_A/N: The idea for this story had popped up at some point and I could not get rid of it, so I thought I could as well write it down._

_To be fair I have to say that this is going to be rather emotional and pretty sad story. At least in the beginning. And it might contain some triggers as well, but I will announce them specifically once they show up._

_I have put a lot of thought into this, together with all my heart…because it's a little difficult with this story._

_But the people, who know me…also know nothing with me is ever is, but rather difficult in fact. Because I like dark and twisty. And I'm big on emotions when it comes to writing. In real life I hide them quite well._

_Oh, right..._

_I want to dedicate this story to my lovely and talented friend __**Ania**__ (ania555), because she is such a great person and I am glad that I have gotten to know her. In fact I am quite honored._

_xoxo_

_raven_

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**My heart is broken**

**by Raven**

**Prolog**

**-Part I**

A single tear made its way down her cheek.

A single tear for a ruined life.

A single tear for a broken heart.

Regina Mills stood there, frozen to the spot and watched Emma pack her belongings.

Two suitcases were already in the car and Emma was hectically putting her few other belongings into a small box.

Today was the day.

Today Emma would move out.

Today Emma would leave town.

And today she would leave her.

Regina was aware that it was her own fault, that she had crossed the line the other day.

She should have never made that decision.

It had been a horrible misjudgement , an unforgivable mistake.

And now it was too late, she could not undo it.

There was no way back.

Not for her, not for Emma – not for them.

She had ruined everything in a moment of weakness.

She had destroyed their lives, their future, because she had allowed for her past to cloud her vision once again.

Emma's eyes had spoken volumes when she had found out the unspeakable truth and Regina had been able to feel Emma's heart break as if she would have ripped it out of Emma's chest herself.

As if she would have ripped it out and crushed it – right in front of Emma's eyes.

And in some way that was exactly what she had done.

Regina would never forget the shock, the terror in Emma's once so beautiful warm eyes.

The eyes, that had always looked at her in the most caring and understanding way had turned into empty holes within a heartbeat.

Simply because her action had been the ultimate betrayal.

She had not only betrayed Emma's trust, but also her love.

"I'm done".

Emma's voice was cold and distant, but Regina was aware that she could not expect more, because Emma was hurt – hurt badly.

And the knowledge that she had caused all of that pain was unbearable.

Why had she done it?

What had she been thinking?

Regina knew the answer, which made it even worse, and it clearly did not change anything, nor could it make anything better.

Emma watched her closely, she could feel it and for a moment Regina thought that maybe, just maybe, Emma would change her mind.

It gave her hope that everything they had been through would weigh heavier than her mistake.

"I better get going. It's a long drive to New York after all."

Emma grabbed the box and headed for the door, not even bothering to say Good bye.

"Emma."

It was barely a whisper and yet it was enough to stop the blonde dead in her tracks.

"I love you", Regina confessed with shaking voice, because she knew it was the last time she would get to say it. Ever.

"If only that would be true…if only I could believe you."

And with that Emma walked out of the mansion, put the box into her car and drove off without looking back.

Regina on the other hand stood in the doorway and watched the yellow bug disappear in the distance while the tears began to stream down her face like a waterfall.

Her right hand rested on her stomach and in this moment Regina mourned not only the loss of Emma, but also the loss of the family she could have had, the family they could have been.

But now she had nothing.

No love.

No family.

No hope.

Because the last flicker of it had died the moment Emma had driven off.

And Regina was left with nothing, but loneliness.

With loneliness and darkness.

And her heart was broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**My heart is broken**

**Prolog**

**-Part II**

Emma had made it to New York without any trouble.

She had managed to leave Storybrooke without hesitating for a second, she had managed to leave her wife without shedding a single tear.

But now that she was sitting in her hotel room, all by herself, reality hit her hard.

And before she knew it she started to cry rivers, started to cry her soul out.

She had not cried since she had found out. She had not cried a single tear until now, but right this moment the pain became too much.

Why had Regina done this?

How could she?

Emma had thought about it for the last three days, but she had not found an answer.

It made no sense.

Not at all.

And the more she thought about it, the less sense she understood.

Their life together had never been easy – in fact it had been rather complicated from the moment they had first met.

That particular memory brought a small smile to her face and Emma drowned in the past immediately.

Simply because she could remember everything as if it would have happened yesterday.

It had been a rainy day in September when she had fled into a small coffee shop near Boston University to warm up and to prepare for her next bounty hunter job.

She had been twenty one by then and she had been on the job since almost three years.

The moment she had turned eighteen she had left the foster system and had taken the first job available, just to get away from abusive, alcoholic or violent foster parents and she had never regretted it for a second, had never once looked back.

And then, seven years ago, she had stumbled into Regina Mills – literally.

She had almost knocked the brunette over and had apologized by inviting her for a coffee.

Regina had been cell-shocked that she had offered to spend time with her – willingly.

Because the brunette had been more of a loner and nobody had ever cared to talk to her, probably because everyone, except Emma, had known who her father was – the feared judge Henry Mills.

He had been famous for nothing, but his hard sentences.

What nobody had known was that he had been the sweetest man when it came to his daughter, who was – of course – studying law.

And the other thing nobody had been aware of, was, that the root of all evil had not been Regina's father, but her mother Cora.

Emma had no idea about it either although she had spent all her free time with Regina after they had first met.

Regina had been so enthusiastic and full of life whenever they were together, but as soon as Cora's name fell the brunette became quiet, became another person.

And once Emma crossed Cora Mills' path she knew exactly why that was.

That woman was cruel and cold, heartless even.

Needless to say that she did not tolerate their relationship for a second and Emma had been aware that she would not stand a chance against this woman.

Not in a million years.

The Mills were quite wealthy and she was some simple bounty hunter with a small apartment, an old yellow VW bug and no perspective.

But Regina had surprised her by showing up on her doorstep one night, a suitcase in hand and the brunette had surprised her even more when she had told her that she had left her parents' house for good, because she could not live without Emma.

That she wanted to spend her life with her.

Of course the next few months had been more than just difficult, because Cora had cut off Regina – financially - and Emma had worked her ass off to make enough money for them both and somehow she had succeeded, but it had been nowhere near easy.

But she had known that it was the least Regina deserved after her fearless action of standing up to Cora Mills, because that had taken more than just courage and strength. And yet Regina had done it, because she had loved her, because she had believed in them.

When Regina's father had died only a week before the brunette's final exams and Regina had been devastated to no end, because she had loved her father dearly – although he had never managed to stop Cora's behavior towards his daughter, things had become even more difficult.

The funeral had been a disaster, because Cora had insisted that Regina would not bring Emma or she should not bother to come at all and Emma hated the woman for that – till this day.

Because she had not been allowed to be there for Regina when she had needed her the most.

But then they had learned that Henry Mills had bequeathed Regina a huge amount of money, so she could start a new life.

On her own terms.

And that's exactly what they had done - they had moved to Storybrooke, Maine.

Their start in the sleepy little town had not been the easiest, because people had been quite narrow – minded about Regina and Emma being a couple.

It had taken them a while to get settled and it had taken an even longer while for the citizens of Storybrooke to accept them and their love for each other.

But once they had overcome that obstacle Emma had become friends with Mary Margaret Blanchard and Ruby Lucas. Later on she had made even more friends.

Regina on the other hand had not even tried to make friends, had not even made the slightest attempt to get to know anyone – she simply had been too damaged by her past and by Cora's "education".

The brunette simply could not trust anyone, except Emma.

And while people had not been very fond of Regina's inability to socialize, they had come to realize that she would make a hell of politician and so the brunette had ended up becoming the mayor of Storybrooke about a year after their arrival in town.

Emma's protective nature and her bounty hunter experiences had gotten her the job of the Sheriff only a few weeks before Regina's career had started and they had finally felt like they were a part of the community.

It had been one of the best days of their life.

And then, a few months later, Emma had finally worked up the nerve to propose to Regina.

She had been a nervous wreck, but Regina had said 'Yes' before she had known and so they had married after five years of being together.

That had been two years ago.

They had been so unbelievably happy, so full of hope and looking forward to a future together.

And they had been looking forward to being a real family, to having children.

Neal Cassidy, who was with Kilian Jones, had become their sperm donor, simply because he was Emma's best friend, but she had not managed to get pregnant.

Doctor Whale had run a lot of tests and they had revealed the sad truth in the end – Emma's ovaries did not function properly.

She had been beyond devastated, but Regina had been there for her through this difficult time, had held her hand, had hugged her whenever Emma had felt low, had let her cry and had comforted her in her weakest moments.

And then Regina had offered that she could have the baby.

Emma realized that she had started to play with her wedding band and her eyes lowered on the simple, golden ring for a moment.

An image of a decently smiling Regina in her beautiful white gown was the next thing Emma found on her mind and she began to cry even harder.

What happened to 'Through thick and thin…together'?

To 'Till death do us part?'

Oh, she knew exactly what it was, but that only made it worse.

How could Regina do that to her?

How could she do that to them?

She was so unbelievably desperate, because she loved Regina so much that it hurt.

Despite all her flaws Regina Mills had always been the one true and honest thing in her life.

Her reason why.

Her anchor, her bastion of calm.

It had torn her apart to leave the woman, who she had fallen so deeply in love with about seven years ago.

She had not wanted to go, but she had not been able to stay any longer.

Regina had made it impossible.

And then her thoughts drifted back to the recent events.

Emma had been away for a couple of days for a Sheriff's congress and she had not had much time to talk to Regina, although the brunette had called her a few times. She had been sad, but the schedule simple had not given her much free time and she had wanted to get everything over with so she could go back to Storybrooke as soon as possible.

Since she had arrived back in town almost half a day early, she had decided to pick up lunch at Granny's so Regina would not need to slave around in the kitchen and they would have more time together.

The moment she had entered the diner Emma had known something had to be up, because everybody was smiling brightly once they had caught sight of her and Whale had this proud look on his face.

It had taken her a while to let it sink in, but Emma had known right away what it had meant.

They would get their baby – Regina was pregnant.

Lunch had been forgotten instantly and she had rushed home in a hurry to kiss her wife senseless. She had been so happy, she had been over the moon – literally.

But the moment she had entered the mansion Emma had sensed that something was not right, could not be right.

She had not been able to put her finger on it, but she had known.

And then she had seen the pain meds on the kitchen table.

Pain meds.

Why would Regina have needed pain meds?

She had wanted to take a closer look at the pills, but in the process of grabbing them she dropped Regina's purse and she cursed quietly.

That had been the moment she had caught sight of the calling card of some doctor in Boston, but it was not the specialist Whale had recommended a while ago.

It was a business card of an abortion clinic and Emma had died dead in her tracks.

It had to be a sick joke, right?

Regina would not…

They both had wanted this baby so bad, they both had been in from the beginning – together.

They wanted nothing more than to be a family, it had always been their big dream, for years.

She had searched the whole house, but Regina had been nowhere to be seen.

And then Emma had entered the last resort, her wife's hide out – her study.

But she had been nowhere near prepared for the sight that had awaited her there.

Regina had been lying on the couch, crumpled tissues everywhere, together with countless bottles of wine and even some whiskey bottles.

And when she had met Regina's cold and empty brown eyes Emma had known it was true.

Regina had aborted their child.

She had fallen to her knees in disbelief, but she had not been able to cry.

She had spent hours on the floor, shaking like a leaf and Regina had not said a single word.

Not one.

And Emma had known right then that she could not stay any longer.

That she had to leave.

Because Regina had ruined everything.

She had not only given up a child, but also their chance, their future, their love.

And so Emma had started packing, making plans – because she had felt nothing anymore.

A part of her had died that day and she knew it.

That had been three days ago.

She had called a former colleague, who had offered her a job in the bounty hunter field – in New York.

And that was why she was here now.

Sitting in a hotel room, crying over the life she had lost. Over the love she would always have for Regina.

Emma knew she would never love anybody else the way she had loved Regina, the way she would always love her.

Regina was her everything, she always would be.

But while they had survived Cora and all the horrible things the heartless woman had done to them, especially to Regina, they would not survive this betrayal.

There was no way back.

Not for them.

A part of Emma hated Regina for what she had done, hated her for carelessly destroying everything they had worked so hard for. But most of all she hated Regina for stabbing her in the back like everybody else before, because she had expected that from anyone, but her.

Because Regina knew that she always had felt unworthy, had always believed that she was not enough, but it was nothing compared to how she felt now.

Regina had ripped her heart out – by aborting their baby.

She had ripped it out by doing it behind her back, not caring about her for a second.

It left Emma cold and empty.

Wounded beyond repair and alone.

Her heart was broken.


	3. Chapter 3

MY HEART IS BROKEN  
Chapter I

Regina had not went to work for the following days, simply because she had been in too much pain - physically and mentally.

She had spent every wake moment drinking, drowing her pain, numbing her feelings, because she had not been able to stand the truth.  
The truth that she had aborted the child Emma had wanted more than anything.  
The child Regina herself had wanted more than anything.

The child that would have made them a family, a real family.

But the knowledge that Emma had left her, that she had left her for good, hurt more than anything else ever could.

The loss of Emma, the loss of the one true thing in her life, the loss of her love, had torn her apart.  
It had left a void that she would never be able to fill.

Now that Emma was gone she had no one, because Regina herself never had made any friends in town.  
Till this day she could not find the strength and the courage to put herself out there, to let somebody in, to trust somebody enough to let them see her vulnerable.  
Except for Emma, who had left her.

But Regina knew that she could not blame her, she would have done the same.

And she was aware that every single citizen of Storybrooke would blame her for Emma's disappearence.  
Everyone would judge her without knowing the facts.

Well, fact was that it was her fault, but even if it would not, everybody would blame it on her anyway.  
And Regina could not bring herself to face anyone just yet - so she stayed at home and hid in her mansion, hid from the world outside for the time being.

She knew it would not take long till the Sheriff's absence would be noticed, if it had not happened already, and then she would have to face the consequences of her actions.  
She would have to tell people the truth or at least part of it and she even would have to hire a new sheriff - although the simple thought of replacing Emma was unbearable and left her hurting even more.

Nobody would be able to replace Emma.  
Ever.

She should have tried to talk to Emma, should have tried to explain why she had paniced, why she had done what she had done, but how could she have explained it to someone else when she was not even able to understand it herself.  
At least not completely.

And the terror in Emma's eyes had spoken volumes, had shown her that she had given her chance of happiness and love away.  
That she had thrown it away like garbage in a moment of weakness when the darkness of her past had become too present to ignore it.

Her insecurities and fears had gotten the better of her for a while and instead of fighting them as she had done ever since she had left her parents' house, this time, of all times, Regina had allowed her past to consume her, to swallow her and to cause her even more pain than it had back in the days.

The worst was that she had not only hurt herself, but that she had hurt Emma.  
That she had hurt the one person she truly loved, the one person who had been nothing, but kind and supporting and who had loved her as much.

And she had killed her own flesh and blood, she had killed her child.

Of course Emma had left her, of course Emma could not stay with her any longer and of course Emma would hate her now, because if Regina was sure about one thing - she was sure that Emma had no love left for her.  
How could she?

Emma would move on, would love again, would probably have the family they had dreamed of for so long and the bare thought cut through her like a knife, but Regina wanted Emma to be happy.  
She wanted her to be happy and have everything her heart desired.  
Even if it killed her.

Emma would not come back - that was the truth she could not run from.  
Everything reminded her of that.  
The empty side of the bed, the empty closet, the few ridiculous items Emma had bought over time, that were missing now.

Back then Regina had rolled her eyes at Emma, but now she even missed the ungodly fairytale book Emma had brought home one day.  
As if grown ups would need a fairytale book, but she had never magaged to talk Emma out of her obsession, because the blonde had always said that fairytales had been the one thing that had kept her going through her years in the foster system.

And now that Emma had left Regina wished she would believe in fairytales, in happy endings, but reality was far from it.

There would not be a happy ending for Regina.  
Not anymore.  
And while she knew that Emma would not come back to her, she hoped that the blonde would be able to forgive her one day.

Not that it would change anything, because Regina knew that she would never forgive herself.

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Emma had started to work right the day after her arrival in New York.  
She had cried all night, but by the time morning had come she had decided that the best way to move on was to distract herself.

And what would be better of a distraction than catching some of the "bad" guys?

To Emma's own surprise it had went well until she had found the guy she had been looking for, because of course he had not wanted to be caught and had picked a fight.

And once her head had hit the stone wall all Emma had been able to think about had been Regina.  
A picture of of her wife had popped up in her head and her warm, brown eyes and beautiful smile haunted her since then.

Regina.  
She had always been worried about Emma's safety.

And it was the moment her face collided with stone that Emma Swan realized that she had to move on.  
Because she could not afford to get distracted on the job or she would get herself killed one day.

She had caught the guy in the end, but afterwards she had to pay a visit to the local hospital to have her gash on the forehead stitched up.

Not even a week back on her old job and she had gotten injured already.  
Emma was not really proud of that, but she was aware that it would take her a while to get back to her old routine.  
And to move forward.

The thing was Emma was not sure what to do, because the best would be to forget Regina, but that was the one thing she would not be able to do.

Forgetting Regina was neither an option, nor a possibility.

She loved this woman with all her heart, with every fibre of her body and Emma doubted that it would ever change.  
But she was not able to forgive Regina for what she had done.  
And although she knew that there had to be a reason for Regina's actions, she had not dared to ask - out of fear that she could not handle the truth.

And when Regina had stayed silent instead of offering an explanation Emma had known that it was over.  
That Regina had given up. That she had given up on everything, that she would not fight for her to stay.

Emma could not describe with words how much it hurt and how worthless she felt and yet she could not stop herself from wondering how Regina would be holding up.  
She knew that Regina would hide from the world, that she would try to deal with her loss on her own, simply because she had no one.  
Not anymore.  
Regina had no friends in Storybrooke - it had always been just the two of them.  
At least for Regina there had never been anyone, expcept for Emma.

Remembering that made Emma feel even worse, especially since a memory of their weeding popped up in that moment and Emma could see it right in front of her eyes.  
How she had watched Regina, who had been looking at her with love and kindness shining out of her stunning, brown eyes and how Emma had promised to never leave her, no matter what would happen in the future.

Emma shook her head, unable to process everything that had happened over the last week any further.

Regina was not afraid of anything - the only thing she had ever feared was that Emma would leave her one day.  
So, why had she aborted their child?  
Because clearly Regina had to be aware that it was the only thing that could make her leave.  
Why?  
And why had Regina not even tried to talk to her, to stop her?

Emma was a mess and she knew it.  
She wanted answers, needed answers, but she also knew that she would most likely never get them.

And she could not afford to keep thinking about her ruined life, about her lost love and her missed opportunity to have a child.  
It hurt too much.

She had to start over, to move on.  
And she would.

Emma took a deep breath, removed her wedding band from her finger and put it on the nightstand, aware that there was no way back.  
Not for her, not for Regina, not for them.

And then she headed out of her apartment, eager to get her next job done.  
She had bills to pay, a life to live.

She would be doomed if she would not even try to get back on her feet.  
All she had to do was to lock her pain and the past away, somewhere deep down, in the darkest corners of her heart.  
She had to lock it away and more important - she had to make sure that it would not come back to the surface.  
Ever.


End file.
